I’ve shared with you how things went left, but now I have to tell you how they went right. Things really do work together for good for those who are called according to purpose (Romans 8:28).
The biggest lesson for me through all of this time was and is still Trust. During this time, there have also been lessons in Obedience, Self-Worth/Image and of course, Faith. I have no problem putting my faith in God, but do I trust, do I believe that He is going to do what He says? That's the real tea.
Trust is first because there are so many layers to trust that have applied to my life in this time. I’ve had to trust that God really does have my best interest in mind, even when it didn’t appear to be true. I’ve had to trust (and still do) that God will do what He says He will, and that His words are in fact true, even when I have grounds to be skeptical. I’ve had to trust myself too. I’ve had to trust in my relationship with my Heavenly Father; trusting that it is real, that it is valid, and that He trusts me enough to disclose things about my future with me. Trusting that He really does speak to me and that I’m not losing my mind or making stuff up. And very importantly, that He is in fact leading me, despite the fact that my path currently looks nothing like what I saw for myself. One of the hardest things? Having to trust that God is in fact working in the background on my behalf, doing things that I cannot yet see, and working on things that haven’t been revealed to me yet. That’s a lot of trusting, init? I’m telling you! Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it’s dang near impossible, and here lies the entrance to the emotional rollercoaster.
I have found that trusting is extremely hard when I’m unsure. That may sound like common sense to you, but I’ve only just had this revelation recently. I’ve asked God and done some soul-searching to find out why it’s harder for me to trust sometimes over others, and the answer was made clear. I know God has my best interest at heart. I believe it whole-heartedly, and I’ve experienced things working out for me in ways that I couldn’t have arranged myself. I know that to be fact. On the other hand, there are about two handfuls of things God has told or shown me that haven’t happened yet. There’s a pattern I noticed, and you might have picked up on it immediately. Isn’t Faith trusting what you can’t see? Sho’ll is. I never saw myself with a Faith issue, and perhaps that has influenced the length of this season. But I’m getting it! I’m understanding that things don’t have to go my way for them to work out, because I am doing okay, despite how it feels. I’m becoming more and more content in this unfamiliar place because I know my Father is here with me. He cares about me, and He’s looking out for me. I lost sight of that for a little while, although I never ever actually doubted God’s power, His strength, or His abilities. During my season in darkness, I doubted He would come through for ME, specifically. I knew He could, I just didn’t think He would. That made the hurt deeper. But, while He was patching me up, He was showering me with His love and affection too. I stopped believing I was worth it and didn’t want to receive it.
Needless to say, I required a self-worth "talking to". To be clear though, I have struggled with self esteem and worthiness for most of my life. It is not a hard place for me to enter. Reflecting on my history with this particular demon, this has probably been the longest class session I've ever had. My Heavenly Father is so patient with me though. He just reminds me who I am to Him, and He shows me myself, but through His eyes. Together, we have come a very long way.
Continuing in transparency, I used to live in the headspace of "not enough" and take regular vacation trips to "I'll never be able". I know now that it's all lies though. Very much a spiritual attack to keep me stuck and to keep me from going after the things God has set aside for me to do and to have. Once that was made clear to me, I made the clear and conscious decision to move out of that head space where I used to live. Since then, I have been able to recognize when I feel myself packing up to take a trip to "I'll never be able" or to visit “not enough”. Sometimes it's a daily struggle, but The Holy Spirit empowers me to do everything I need to do and I know that my strength comes from Him. It comes from above. There's nothing I can't do or be with God as my leader and the Holy Spirit as my guide. Full Stop.
Not feeling good enough literally bleeds into every facet of life. If you know, you know! I couldn't see why God in all of His glory would choose me, with all my issues to talk to, to give dreams and interpretations to, and all that. Of course my default response was to run because I didn't feel worthy of the attention He was giving me. I didn't feel worthy of the time we were spending together, although, I had been wanting a personal relationship with God since I was a little girl. The idea of hearing God speak to me was incomprehensible, but I wanted to experience Him that way. So, here I was, experiencing what I had been praying for for years and running away from it. Why do we do that? Personally, I think deep down inside I didn't think it would really happen, even though I was praying for it. When it started to happen, I was caught off guard and got scared. I was asking God questions and he was answering them in various ways. Of course I was SHOOK! I was seeing that, one, He really was real, and two, He was actually listening, which meant, three, that He really did care about me. It became a truth I knew, and not just something I heard people say. I am happy to report that I was able to start trusting (and do currently) that what I was seeing and hearing was the real deal, that I was not doing too much, and that yes, God was trusting ME with gifts. My crazy self!
I also want you to know that being obedient hasn't always been easy for me. I'm a little defiant. A little bit. Sometimes. Lol. Never been one to just do what people tell me because "I'm supposed to" unless I agree that I am supposed to. If I don't see the value in it, I'm probably not going to do it, and it very rarely matters who is giving the directives. So yeah, being obedient isn't always easy. At least that's how it is when it comes to humans. That's what I have to break away from when it comes to God. He directs me and I can't always see the value in it, or what will flow from it, but I'm supposed to do it anyway? It took me a long while to accept that what I was hearing and feeling was in fact Heavenly guidance, and it took additional time for me to not ask why. Now, I'm in the “do it when I hear it and not later” portion of the lesson. Needless to say, I still don't quite have it. In this season, I learned that my disobedience isn't always tied to defiance. Sometimes, I've been disobedient because I went back to “not enough” and it causes me to procrastinate. And yes, procrastinating is disobedience. I'm repenting often for that one.
What God instructed us to do, we are supposed to do it with His help. With the Holy Spirit empowering us. Not on our own. I am guilty of telling God that I can't do things that we were supposed to do together. I understand now that that's a lack of trust. It's like saying “God, I don't trust that you're going to do your part”, when He is literally the only being with a 100% track record of doing what He says he will. It's basically a slap in the face. Understanding that revelation was monumental, because it changed my perspective and showed me yet another way that I wasn't really trusting Him like I said I was.
As I'm typing this out for strangers to read lol, I am seeing that there is one particular thing that has shown up in every other lesson. Trust. When I think about it, I've been let down so many times and by so many people that I don't take people seriously, basically by default. Some of that, I've projected onto God, and that's not fair. Now that I know this, I have another tier for God and I to address and work through.
When I was sinking into that really dark place, my view of God changed for a brief sec. Once I started coming back to my real self and my vision of God was recalibrated, I had to understand. I had to ask Him what that was for. I got two answers. The first He said was for relatability. Before that, I had never experienced darkness or depression like that. And now, because I suffered through it and overcame it, I can empathize with people who are feeling or have ever felt like that. The second reason both set me straight and gave me peace. He told me He had to show me the “before”, so that when He transformed it, and brought it back around, I’d be able to see all that He did. The difference would be crystal clear and only He could get the Glory. I’d know that He was clearly involved. I couldn’t really argue or be mad after learning those reasons. One thing about God, He’s gonna get the glory out of the situation. Now I have a new testimony to tell. See, the trials are always bearable if it is clear why they are occurring. I always ask what the lesson is, and through introspection and devotion, it usually becomes clear. I am then able to take these new revelations and apply them to my life and/or share them with others wherever necessary. So that brings us to the present, and here I am sharing some insights with you.
There is ALWAYS purpose in the pain and you WILL overcome! I am a testament to that. I’m taking all of these lessons into 2024 with me. Happy New Year! See you on the other side! 💗
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