Before I get into the shenans of 2023, let me scoot back to June 2022.
I was in Raleigh, NC for a concert and “something” happened. I didn't know it at the time, but this was going to change a lot of things for me. I was extremely optimistic, very prayerful and SUPER determined to be careful. Basically two months later, everything came crashing down with the biggest disappointment I have faced to this day. You talking about being shook? Baybeee, I was crushed. Initially, I thought God was delivering a promise to me that He made me in 2019. I spent pretty much the whole time in His face double checking to make sure that I was in His will. I was trying to make sure I wasn’t going ahead of Him, that I was proceeding with caution, and that I was doing what He wanted me to do. When everything fell apart, I was sick, because I had been given so many green flags, and so many confirmations. I was so very confused. And hurt. I felt like God was literally playing with me, with my emotions. I felt like he didn’t really care, because surely He wouldn’t fake me out like that when he knew how much I trusted Him to deliver on His word, and how eagerly I was awaiting the manifestation of His promise. He knew the choices I made to align myself to His word, the preparation over all these years that HE was taking me through, for Him to dangle it in front of me and snatch it back? Oh I was heated. This was the lowest I'd ever been IN MY LIFE! ….. I cried for hours, fell asleep with headaches, woke up to more tears, gave God several earfulls, cried some more… Overall, the darkness was overtaking me, and I was all set to succumb to it. Ready to cut God loose for playing with my emotions, or letting others do it, and for not keeping His word to me - because that's truly how it felt. I was very uncertain about my relationship with God at this time. Mostly I was feeling numb and very "meh" toward Him. He loved me through all of that though, and he held none of it against me. In fact, patiently He taught me, and showed me why these particular events needed to take place, once I was again open to hearing from Him. It took me some time to find my footing again and open back up to him after I felt so betrayed and uncared for… But slowly, he sent words of wisdom, various scripture passages, and lots of hugs from people who cared about me. He knew what I needed.
So for the back half of 2022, I was trying to find balance and peace and steady myself spiritually, emotionally and mentally, as my finances were going, well, let's just say to the toilet. There were obviously lots of feelings. Okay. We can fast forward back to the start of 2023, where I was mostly back to me, but still reluctant to completely let go and trust God again. That fear of disappointment was showing up real heavy. I knew what the Bible said regarding the Lord and his word, and I'd seen Him come through for me many times before, but… I don't know… It was something different about this time. After he began to build me back up in our quiet time, I believe I had enough Faith to make a request about fun things. Or, maybe it was that I thought since He didn't seem to be responsive to the finances, maybe I could try something else. One of the message points I received during my battle with darkness was about choices, meaning I could choose to wallow in the hurt, pain and betrayal I felt, or I could choose to get up, choose to move forward, and choose to let God show me what it was all for. I chose the latter.
In February, I got a random email from Carnival, saying my cruise was booked. I didn't book one, so I investigated. My sister booked it and paid for it. In that same February, I decided to consult God for my birthday plans in March. I ended up taking a solo weekend road trip and seeing a concert for one of the greatest Christian rappers alive. I didn't pay for the concert ticket or the hotel. Only my gas and my food. The very next weekend, I was on a flight spending the weekend in LA. Again, I only paid for my food and my Lyfts around the city. Life comes at ya fast, don't it? BY THE WAY, all of this is happening, and I still had not made any single payments on my mortgage! Okay, so now I'm really looking at God crazy, because he was doing all this extra stuff, but where was the meeting of the needs part?! In the midst of all this excitement, I got fired, yes fired, from the dessert shop AND then, right after coming back from LA, God told me to sell my house. Like, what?
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